50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 10-]

I’m now about a third of the way through 50 Shades of Grey. If this was ‘The Lord of the Rings’ then I’d be in Rivendell right now. I feel a certain kinship with Frodo Baggins. I understand how it feels to have to carry a great burden, every moment it eats away a little bit of your soul, poisoning you, turning you into something evil and dark. Last night I approached a woman in the pub and asked her to sign my terms of service contract so that I could legally groan at her. Her boyfriend called me gay and beat me up. Anyway, as I predicted, I’ve only read one more chapter. This isn’t because I couldn’t hack it or because I got bored. It’s because this chapter was so fucking inanely mental that I literally wrote a bloody essay on it. I have actually had to edit this review because it was well over a thousand words when I finished it.

In chapter ten we learn that Ana is even more of a useless mong than we had previously been lead to believe. That’s a pretty amazing statement when we consider the things that she hasn’t done or cannot do. Let’s recap them shall we? She has never been kissed, shagged, got drunk or held hands. She can’t understand the difference between flattery and rape. She thinks that not liking cheese and wanting to rape people is roughly the same thing. She also doesn’t understand how kitchens work.

So what else can’t she do? Well apparently, she doesn’t know how to use the internet, or even a computer for that matter. “Internet! I don’t have access to a computer”, she explains. SHE IS A FUCKING STUDENT! How is this even possible? I really hate Ana Steele, I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. I honestly believe that pac-man had a deeper personality than Anastasia Steele. At least he made cool noises and beat up ghosts. God I wish Ana would beat up some ghosts.

“But what about that cliff-hanger at the end of chapter nine?” I hear you shouting. “What happened when Christian’s mum came into the house while Christian and Ana were grinding away?” The answer is…..fuck all. No, I’m not joking, she served no literary purpose whatsoever. She was just there for a page or so and then fucked off. Why is this? Only the extremely deranged and confused mind of this book’s author can answer that. Let’s not bother asking her. After all, we certainly don’t want to encourage her to write any more books.

I can’t help but feel like the author is running out of things for Christian Grey to do because you’ll never guess what he does next……that’s right, he drives his fucking car again. Last time we were in Christian’s car, he was playing ‘Sex on Fire’ by ‘Kings of Leon’ on his stereo. This time he plays ‘I’m on Fire’ by ‘Bruce Springsteen’. Does he have an exclusively fire-based playlist? Is this because his soul burns with a fire that merely needs the love of a good woman to douse it? Or is it because the author has the level of imagination of a corned beef pasty, but unfortunately probably doesn’t taste anywhere near as good?

In the next scene, Christian’s early morning, lonely piano playing begins to make sense. He is indeed a tortured soul, as we find out that an old lady used to strap up and bum him every day for six years when he was a teenager. Once again, I am absolutely not making this up. This book is like the diary of a mad-man. ‘Alice in Wonderland’ was a more realistic work of fiction than this novel. Anyway, even though he wanted her to, this was apparently an act of abuse and totally explains why he’s such a weirdo. The author doesn’t bother explaining why this experience has damaged him so much. I like to imagine it was because he wasn’t entirely satisfied with article 7b in their contracted agreement. It probably stated something along the lines of “The submissive will not be a boring twat”, making it very hard for Christian to comply with his contractual obligations. Christian then explains that being raped by an old lady made it hard for him to do his homework. Again, I am honestly not making this up. The worst thing about being repeatedly raped is that he couldn’t study with relative ease. Absolutely Un-be-fucking-lievable.

Back at Ana’s apartment, everyone’s favourite nosey bitch, Kate, starts asking Ana how big Christian’s willy is. Then, out of the blue, Jose the Mexican rapist phones up and accuses Ana of only being with Christian for the money. Ironically, a cash transfer is one of the few things that isn’t in the contract. I know this because the book actually contains the entire contract in one of the earlier chapters and fucking muggins here actually read the whole thing.

Ana has another conversation with herself before going to bed. I’m starting to think she might be schizophrenic because she keeps referring to things being said by her “inner goddess”. Since she isn’t in a fucking shampoo commercial, I can only assume that she should seek immediate medical attention.

B.Burns

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