50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 11-]

Those of you who have been following my ’50 Shades of Grey’ reviews may remember that I had a little moan (no pun intended) in the last one about having to read the whole of the rape contract, in its entirety. Well fucking hell! You’ll never guess what chapter 11 contains! That’s right, another sodding contract, and this time it’s about twenty pages long. I can’t help but ask myself what lawyer in the world would draw up this contract. If I went to a solicitor and said, “I’d like an insanely lengthy contract that allows me to”….and I quote from the actual text here….”anally fist” someone, I very much doubt any self-respecting lawyer would indulge me. More importantly, I don’t even bother reading the legally binding contracts that actually apply to me, such as the ones on itunes or any PC game I’ve ever installed. Why the fuck would I want to read one for fun in a book? Was the author injecting LSD into her eyeballs when she wrote this?

I can’t help but think that Ana is getting a bit of a raw deal. Article 13 of her contract states that; “The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason.” As you can see here, she isn’t even getting the basic workers’ union rights that we expect in post-Thatcher Britain. My favourite part of the contract was where it says “No acts involving children or animals”. Apparently this isn’t obvious already and they both need to sign a legally binding contract to stop Christian Grey from bringing a class full of primary-school kids and a herd of mountain goats into the bedroom.

“What comes after this ‘director’s cut’ version of the contract” do I hear you asking? Well of course it’s the only thing that can make this story interesting after such a dip in the action….a fucking questionnaire. Ana fills out what I can only describe as the most mind-bendingly bizarre questionnaire I’ve ever encountered in my life. Allow me to provide you with a sample from it:

Which of the following do you prefer?
– Masturbation
– Fellatio
– Cunnilingus
– Vaginal Intercourse
– Vaginal Fisting
– Anal Intercourse
– Anal Fisting

Quite how the fuck Ana is supposed to know about any of this escapes me, considering she had never even been kissed before a few hours prior to being given this pop-quiz. But never mind, the author clearly didn’t expect any of the readers to ask complex questions about the storyline when they’re busy flicking the bean.

Anyway, Ana goes home and goes to bed. The next morning, she wakes up and Mr Grey has sent her a MacBook Pro in the mail. According to the courier it’s a bit special because “These aren’t available in the shops yet……the very latest from Apple.” Yes, you read that correctly, according to this novel, Apple Mac give away free laptops that aren’t even out yet in the shops, to random students. My big, fat, hairy, Derbyshire arse they do!

Next, the delivery man starts rattling off the specifications of the Macbook (really interesting stuff here) and this is where the novel takes a turn for the better. It suddenly becomes a sci-fi fantasy-thriller with technology that is far beyond our mortal reach. “It’s got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you’ll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM.”

BULLSHIT!

Thirty two gigs of ram it up your arse you fucking twat. I can only assume that the author just looked up the specs of her macbook and multiplied them by eight to make it sound really kick-ass and expensive.

So what does Ana do with the navigational systems from the Starship Enterprise? She has a look on Wikipedia. Obviously, Wikipedia is the most suitable place to do research when you’re considering signing your fistless vagina away for a good rogering. What a stupid idiot.

B.Burns

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