50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 13-]

It’s been a while since I wrote any ‘50 Shades of Grey’ reviews and in that time a worryingly large number of people have asked me to keep doing them. Since I have a book-shelf full of good novels, I have repeatedly refused, but I’m getting stressed out with my own work this evening so I thought I’d slag off someone else’s to make me feel better about myself. So here it is; another 50 Shades review.

In the time that I’ve been away from the novel it appears E. L. James has crept into my room and re-written the whole fucking thing. Ana seems to have now acquired a) some fucking common sense and b) a pair of balls. In chapter 13 she sends a sarcastic and almost witty reply to one of Christian’s e-mails, she tells her creepy workmate Paul to fuck off and drives herself to a dinner date with Christian Grey in case she needs to “make a quick escape” in her own car.

By this point in the chapter, I was actually letting myself hope that maybe Christian would try it on and she’d karate chop him in the face, dropkick a waiter and dive through a window firing Uzis behind her before jumping onto a helicopter. Or some other more likely, but no less cool action sequence. Unfortunately, I couldn’t have possibly been further from the truth. What actually happens is Christian Grey tries to make himself sound sophisticated by vomiting out some drivel about the excellent wine cellar and then they talk about the fucking weather. They sound like a couple of old biddies stopping for a chat in Sainsbury’s. It’s mind-numbing.

More disappointment was to come as after Christian orders Ana some food (because what kind of stuck up bitch expects to be allowed to choose her own dinner when she’s on a date), he then proceeds to begin discussions on…..that’s right…..the bloody contract….again. I have read and written contracts that are smaller than the amount of contractual litigation in this book. NONE OF THEM WERE FUCKING ENTERTAINING! What was the author thinking? Did she have a whirlwind romance with Tony Blair and just had to make lawyers seem minge-vibratingly sexy?

I think Christian is beginning to get a little worried that Ana is becoming tired of contract negotiations, because what he does next can only be an attempt to impress her with his brilliant memory and top-notch counting skills. He tells her what he’s just observed her eating. “Three oysters, four bites of cod, and one asparagus stalk, no potatoes, no nuts, no olives….” WELL DONE CHRISTIAN! You’re a real prize catch. Seriously, what the holy fuck is going on in this conversation? It’s like talking to a homeless alcoholic at a bus stop.

Anyway, Christian’s basic toddler-like observational skills must have worked because Ana is so impressed that she decides to reward him with some sexy, suggestive action. Unfortunately for Christian, Ana’s idea of a demure hint is to start sucking off a piece of asparagus. I can’t think of a less sexy word than asparagus, it sounds like a fungal infection. Fortunately, the waiter comes and removes the plate before she can start shoving oysters up her minge.

After dinner, Christian gives Ana a quick lecture about motor safety. I’m honestly not making that up. I am beginning to think Christian is just some boring Geography teacher who has allowed a white lie to get way out of hand.

The chapter ends with Ana crying. She’s probably weeping for the future of English literature.

B.Burns

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