50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 14-15]

My 50 Shades of Grey reviews were put on hold because my hard drive decided to commit suicide. I don’t normally like having to spend £85 to replace things. But in this case, I found myself relishing having a great excuse to not read any more of this shit. But alas! The show must go on. So, as promised, here is chapter twelve in all of its abysmal glory.

Chapter twelve finds the boring slag who is the hero of this piece, going for a jog whilst listening to her iPod. Fuck knows how she was able to upload songs to an ipod, given that she has never used a computer before a few hours ago. But hey, did any of the previous chapters make any sense? Did they fuck.
After the jog, Ana e-mails Christian and tells him that she’s dumping him…..for a joke. Hahaha! You’re a fucking comedic genius Ana! Can you imagine what it would be like being friends with this woman? It must be like hanging around with the love child of Buzz Killington and a severely autistic steroid addict. So how does Christian react to this? He of course turns into Batman and just fucking appears behind her exclaiming “I felt that your e-mail warranted a reply in person”. How he managed to surprise her like this is anyone’s guess. Personally, I reckon he was hiding in her laundry basket, sniffing her knickers.
Anyway, knowing that he has just been chucked, Christian Grey does what any normal bloke would do and rapes Ana.

“No,” I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops.
“If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you.
This would be shocking in any other novel, but since we’re averaging at least a molestation per chapter, this is pretty tame. What he does next is even more unfathomably weird. He decides to start gobbing in her mouth. Yes, he spits down her throat and then has the audacity to ask “is this nice?”

Wow, what a total fucking gimboid.

Obviously, Ana being mentally ill and desperate to get sectioned decides that she utterly fucking loves all of the saliva-based fun. The rest of this chapter is filled with more boring dialogue between ‘boring slag’ and ‘nosey bitch’. It isn’t funny and it certainly isn’t entertaining to read. We finish the chapter with Ana crying because she thinks Christian is using sex as a weapon against her.

NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK!

Can Ana possibly get any less endearing or more retarded? Sadly, the answer will almost certainly be yes.

B.Burns

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