50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapters 8-9]

Since so many of my dear Facebook friends have asked me to do another one, here is a summarized version of chapters eight and nine of 50 shades of Grey. Every time I do this, I end up doing one less chapter than last time. At this rate I will only make it through one more chapter. That’s not surprising though since I read these two with a revolver in my mouth.

You’ll be massively surprised to learn that chapter eight begins with……..that’s right…….you guessed it…….Christian Grey’s fucking fingers. He’s running both of his hands through his hair, which apparently means he’s angry. Anyway, he calms down enough to bring up the terms of the service agreement again, which evidently still hasn’t been sorted out. Apparently, Christian Grey thinks that getting his nob out involves roughly the same procedure as assembling a CD rack that he bought from Wilkinson’s, in as much as both of them require some sort of manual. Perhaps this is why Christian Grey is 25 years old and, in his own words, has had at least 15 relationships.

Nothing could possibly have prepared me for the descriptive text the author uses in the following dirty sex scene. The two of them “gasp” over and over again, as though they are a pair of asthmatic old-age-pensioners trying for one more child. My favourite bit is when Grey “empties himself” into Ana. I’m pretty sure that’s the polite euphemism my grandparents used to use for having a shit in a public toilet. However, to this author, it’s a sexy little wink to the reader.

Ana finally falls asleep after jizzing in her nickers 3 times. Later, Christian Grey begins to show his true colours as a tortured soul by playing the piano at 4am and waking the whole fucking street up. When Ana goes to touch him he tells her to fuck off, probably because it wasn’t in the contract. I don’t know that for certain but since this is an erotic romance/courtroom thriller I’m making an educated guess.

In chapter nine, Ana exchanges yet more dialogue with a)herself and b)her annoying twat of a housemate who is still being a nosey cow. She also has a moment of confusion when she can’t figure out how to use the kitchen. Based on the author’s description of Christian Grey’s kitchen, I can only assume that it was a collaborative design project between Salvador Dali and M C Esher. Either that or Ana is too fucking thick to understand how cupboards and refrigerators work. Frankly, after nine chapters of this soul destroying drivel, I don’t give a flying fuck, it’s probably all of the above.

Everything during breakfast is sexy, Grey likes his eggs “thoroughly whisked and beaten” and suggests that they have another shag after they’ve finished, or as he calls it, “basic training”. Again, I am not making this up. For some inexplicable reason, Christian Grey calls sex “basic training”. Frankly I think Grey is being a bit cocky here. Either that or the army is a lot more fun than the adverts make it look.

The chapter ends with Christian’s mum’s voice coming from outside the door. Maybe he’s about to get grounded for having a girl over on a school night. The cliff-hanger here is so intense that I’d rather have a shit in my hands and clap than read on to the next chapter.

B.Burns

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