50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapters 1-4]

For any male readers who are curious about ’50 Shades of Grey’ but don’t want to read it because you can’t be bothered or are worried that your mates will call you gay. Fear no evil! For I shall spare you the ball-ache. This post contains spoilers so jog the fuck on if you don’t want me to spoil the story for you.

From what I can garner after roughly 4 chapters. Christian Grey is a rich man with the fingers of E.T or Edward scissor-hands. I know this because Ana, the main character, is constantly fucking noticing them and commenting on how long they are in her inner monologue. I wonder what incredible things he likes to do with them? Perhaps he puts hula-hoops on them and pretends he has lots of salty rings. That’s what I’d do. He also has a bizarre repertoire of smiles, which are constantly mentioned. These include, “oh so secret smiles”, “smiles as though he’s privy to some dark secret” and my personal favourite; “A sphinx-like smile” which he amazingly manages to produce over the phone (WTF?). A cynical man would suggest that this stems from a lack of literary ability on the part of the author, but we all know I’m not that much of a cunt (ha ha fucking ha).

The protagonist, Ana, is a boring twat who has (amongst other things) never been kissed, got drunk or held hands. This is amazing because she’s a student and, as a former student, these are some of the typical activities I indulged in. She also falls over in almost every scene. Maybe she has hearing and balance issues that the author forgot to mention. It wouldn’t be the first bit of unexplained bullshit in this novel. She lives with an annoying bitch called Kate who is a shit journalist and is too ill to conduct her own interviews so she sends Ana to do it for her. This is how she meets Mr Grey.

Incidentally, Mr Grey drives 150 miles to go to the hardware store that Ana works at to buy a rape-kit. I shit you not! He buys cable ties, duct tape and rope and this stupid bint actually decides to hang around with him afterwards.

Ana and Grey fart about with each other for a while, exchanging boring dialogue and generally acting like a pair of tampons in a bag of chips. Eventually, Ana goes out for a drink and some bloke called Jose who, previously was a poorly written Mexican stereotype, decides to get all rapey with Ana. Fortunately, and without any way of knowing where she was, the much more well-prepared rapist, Christian Grey, suddenly shows up to rescue her.

This is as far as I’ve got because I own a gaming PC and two consoles, several guitars and a soul, therefore I am bored.

So far there has been no twat-tingling sexiness. I would feel cheated but since I downloaded a PDF rather than buying the book I’m not too bothered.

B. Burns

One thought on “50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapters 1-4]

  1. I really appreciate your blog! I think that it has a great futur in front of him. I first read your work on reddit, and I thought it was hilarious. Keep going!

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