I wrote a letter to Justin Bieber expressing my deepest sympathies for his current plight…

Hi Justin.

I thought I’d write you a little letter in the hopes that I can lift up your spirits and help you get back on your UK tour. I’m a musician like you. I sing and play guitar in a band called Blunderbuster. We’re sometimes on the road for extended periods of time and I often find that tempers will tend to get the better of us when we have to jump in and out of cars on a regular basis. We’re not that different you and I, so you have my deepest sympathies.

I know how hard you must be finding your long tour. I’m amazed by how long you’ve managed to keep it going. We’re lucky if we get any petrol money from our gigs and most of the time we have to fund the tour ourselves, but we (just like you) don’t mind because we genuinely love performing music for people. By my calculation you must be about $4,000,000 in debt from your tour so you must REALLY love performing music for your fans. You really are a ‘salt of the Earth’ young man and an inspiration to all real musicians around the globe.

I’ve noticed you have a lot of equipment on stage at your gigs. I can tell by your recent outburst of anger and frustration that you, like most musicians out there, have to load all of that gear into the van yourself, load it all onto the stage before the gig, set it all up and test it and then put it all back in the van at the end of the gig. I too sometimes find this process so tiresome that I just want to make idle threats to a big, hard-looking photographer.

Also, let’s not forget the song writing process. We all know how much personal effort goes into crafting a truly meaningful and creative piece of music. Not to mention the years of learning, practicing and studying that go into being proficient enough at an instrument to be able to create chord structures and melodies. I’m sure you, like most songwriters, have a deeply personal connection to the songs that you spent months rehearsing in freezing cold practice rooms and above filthy pubs with dodgy electrical wiring. But it’s all worth it to be able to tell an entire nation of your fans to fuck off. Because isn’t that what being an artist is all about?

We don’t have legions of pre-pubescent screaming girls at our shows, because we’re not as good as you. We have to make do with adults, but some of them are pretty hot and have big boobs so we get by alright. I sometimes wish I could say I’m never going back to a certain town or venue after a couple of extremely small, immature problems annoy me slightly. But another member of the band seems to think that’s the kind of thing a dick would do. He must be crazy or something because completely disregarding millions of people who pay to keep your insanely privileged dream alive is definitely the only solution to having a bad week.

Anyway. I hope you feel better soon and don’t have to go off stage at your next gig because you’re a little bit tired. I can appreciate how you felt there because I too sometimes have to work my normal 9 – 5 job during the day and then travel for 4 hours in a car to play a gig, get home at about 4am and then get up for work the next day.

Chin up sonny Jim.

B. Burns

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