I actually had a little deal going on with my local independent video game store back when this abomination came out. They’d clandestinely sell me games several days before release, when they came into stock. In return, I remained a loyal customer and kept my mouth shut about the technically illegal activities going on there. I paid a little extra for this privilege of course, because I wanted them as early as possible. This was the game that taught me the value of patience.
Final Fantasy XIII is an insult to every kid who cut his teeth playing Final Fantasy. To all of us who were inspired to write stories, make games, compose music or roll dice by any JRPG ever, this game is nothing more than a slap in the face with Square Enix’s ageing, hairy ball sack.
FF XIII is composed of an incredibly stupid opening cut-scene, in which we are introduced to a man with a bird in his afro (which is never fucking explained), followed by a 40-hour-long hallway. I mean, there is literally nothing in this game, which you would recognize as the positive defining features of a JRPG. There are no random battles, no vendors or shops, no opportunities to explore or roam the map (at least not until about 20 hours into it), no side-quests, no mini-games, no explanation as to why a man keeps a tiny bird in his afro, NO FUCKING SOUL! Whether you’re a fan of the genre or not, you have to accept that these are the mechanics which the fans enjoy. Why would any sane developer cut this stuff out?
What’s that I hear you crying? If the game is insanely linear and devoid of any freedom or distractions then surely, the combat and boss battles must be awesome and engaging? I mean, they weren’t random like in every other GOOD JRPG. They’re planned out and placed along the corridor of boredom, so they must be good right?
Well….no. Not only are they boring x-mashing fests of pointlessness, but there is also a button which allows the game to select the best move for you.
WHY WOULD ANYBODY EVER WANT TO WATCH TWO A.I’s BATTLING EACH OTHER IN A JRPG? It’s just a fucking glorified calculator!
Those of you who are the music buffs of the gaming world may be wondering if the game was saved by the almost universally flawless compositions of famed Square Enix composer, Nobuo Uematsu. Well, the answer is no because he didn’t work on any of the pieces in the game.
What a load of bollocks.