50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 16]

It’s about that time of the month again when I end up reading another chapter of ‘50 Shades of Grey.’ It’s a bit like McDonalds in as much as I occasionally forget how shit it is and think it might be fun to try it again. Then I spend the next 48 hours hating myself for being stupid enough to give it a sixteenth chance. I think this chapter was my favourite so far because there were no bits about the contract and there was only a little bit about e-mails. I’m afraid this is the standard I’m working with here.

Chapter 16 begins with Christian getting angry because Ana wants to touch him on the tummy. He barks at her that he’s “50 shades of fucked up.” Ha……ha…….ha. I see what you did there E. L. James. Everybody knows you aren’t a proper writer until you clumsily cram the title of your novel into one of the middle chapters, in this case with about as much grace and subtlety as attempting to shove an angry Alsatian into a toilet bowl.

Next Christian begins telling Ana how many orgasms she’s had. Why does he keep counting things all of the time? Is he fucking autistic or something? He continues this quest for knowledge by asking Ana a series of ridiculous questions such as “when is your next period?” and “do you have a doctor?” Apparently Christian hates wearing a condom and wants her to get some contraception. Since he’s basically stealthing around her house, work-place and social life, appearing at will and raping her regularly, you’d think he’d have the decency to at least take care of the jonnies himself. But apparently that’s Ana’s problem as well. I find myself hoping she’ll storm his giant mansion waving a femidom sellotaped to a stick and screaming “freedom!” Maybe with Jo Brand in full battle armour behind her. Unfortunately, I seriously doubt it will happen because it wasn’t in the contract anywhere.

This next bit is brilliant! It’s probably my favourite bit so far. Christian starts beating the shit out of Ana and insisting that she count how many times he bitch-slaps her. In my head I’m imagining a violent, alcoholic version of the count from ‘Sesame Street’ slapping an unwilling slave-girl as his puppet mouth salivates like a rabid dog. “One slap! Two slap! Ah, ah, ah.” After noting it down in his ‘things I counted today for no reason’ journal he rams his cock up her arse, jizzes everywhere and then jumps in his car and pisses off home. I can see why she likes him so much.

Next Ana phones up her Mum, as I’m sure all girls do after having the shit kicked out of them whilst fanny-squirting all over the bedroom. For the first time in the novel we get a time-scale for the events. Apparently three weeks have passed. So just to recap, three weeks ago Ana was a shy virgin who had never been kissed, drunk or used the internet. Three weeks later she is the BDSM slave of a billionaire rapist vampire with alien fingers. Bull…fucking…shit. If there were any scraps of plausibility left in this novel, they just fucked off along with the five quid I wasted on it at WHSmith.

Next, Kate the shit journalist comes in and Ana immediately attempts to explain her bruises by claiming that she fell over and landed on her arse. It appears that we can add ‘learned to keep her mouth shut when her bloke knocks her about’ to the list of things that have changed about Ana in the last three weeks. Kate doesn’t suspect a thing, nor does she ask why there is a brand new car in the drive, nor does she ask about Ana’s brand new laptop or why there is champagne everywhere. Given that Ana is crying her eyes out by this point, you’d think she’d start joining the dots. I mean, you don’t have to be fucking Columbo to put this mystery to bed. SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING JOURNALIST! AAAAARRRGGHHH! HOW DID THIS FUCKING BOOK GET PUBLISHED?!?!?!?!?

Next Ana checks her e-mails and finds that, surprise surprise, Christian has e-mailed her. I suppose he sent it while he was flying his helicopter because his fingers are certainly long and nimble enough to handle the strain. In the e-mail there is one particular line that jumped out at me. Now I swear I am not making this up, he actually says “you won’t like me when I’m angry.” Just take a moment to let the fact that the author stole a line from ‘The Incredible Hulk’ sink into your mind. Did your face go like this (-_-) ? Mine did.

Ana replies to his e-mail with the witty line “I’m not sure I like you anyway.” There are no points for guessing what happens next. As usual he immediately appears outside her door. Was he hiding in the bushes on the front lawn all that time? Does he have some sort of Doctor Who style travelling tardis? Nope, this book was just written by a simpleton. Bursting into her room, he explains to the crying Ana that he only hits her because it turns him on.

Oh, it’s okay guys. Don’t worry; He’s not really a morally-bankrupt mentalist. He’s only doing it because he finds it sexually arousing. Somebody call the cops and tell them it was all just a big misunderstanding.

But wait, there’s more. He explains to Ana that she must have enjoyed it too because she was aroused. What sound logic there from Count Fuckula. Seriously, this book really is a fucking disgrace. How can anyone advocate this kind of shit? Let me put this into perspective for you. In this scene, we have a crying young woman, sat in front of the bloke who beat her up as he tells her that it turned him on and demands that she admit that she enjoyed it too. It’s like something from a fucking Tarantino film. HOW IS THIS AROUSING TO ANY WOMAN? Why did the suffragettes even bother if this is what we’re left with in 2012?

The chapter ends with Christian agreeing to sleep in the bed with Ana as a compromise……as long as she doesn’t touch him, look at him or go anywhere near him. Erm…does Christian have any basic understanding of three-dimensional space? In fact, scratch that, does he know what the word ‘compromise’ means? He might as well have said, “I’ll sleep in the bed as a special treat and you can sleep on the floor and face the wall.” What a charmer, I can see why Ana enjoys taking his cock/punches in her arse/face.

B. Burns

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50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 14-15]

My 50 Shades of Grey reviews were put on hold because my hard drive decided to commit suicide. I don’t normally like having to spend £85 to replace things. But in this case, I found myself relishing having a great excuse to not read any more of this shit. But alas! The show must go on. So, as promised, here is chapter twelve in all of its abysmal glory.

Chapter twelve finds the boring slag who is the hero of this piece, going for a jog whilst listening to her iPod. Fuck knows how she was able to upload songs to an ipod, given that she has never used a computer before a few hours ago. But hey, did any of the previous chapters make any sense? Did they fuck.
After the jog, Ana e-mails Christian and tells him that she’s dumping him…..for a joke. Hahaha! You’re a fucking comedic genius Ana! Can you imagine what it would be like being friends with this woman? It must be like hanging around with the love child of Buzz Killington and a severely autistic steroid addict. So how does Christian react to this? He of course turns into Batman and just fucking appears behind her exclaiming “I felt that your e-mail warranted a reply in person”. How he managed to surprise her like this is anyone’s guess. Personally, I reckon he was hiding in her laundry basket, sniffing her knickers.
Anyway, knowing that he has just been chucked, Christian Grey does what any normal bloke would do and rapes Ana.

“No,” I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops.
“If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you.
This would be shocking in any other novel, but since we’re averaging at least a molestation per chapter, this is pretty tame. What he does next is even more unfathomably weird. He decides to start gobbing in her mouth. Yes, he spits down her throat and then has the audacity to ask “is this nice?”

Wow, what a total fucking gimboid.

Obviously, Ana being mentally ill and desperate to get sectioned decides that she utterly fucking loves all of the saliva-based fun. The rest of this chapter is filled with more boring dialogue between ‘boring slag’ and ‘nosey bitch’. It isn’t funny and it certainly isn’t entertaining to read. We finish the chapter with Ana crying because she thinks Christian is using sex as a weapon against her.

NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK!

Can Ana possibly get any less endearing or more retarded? Sadly, the answer will almost certainly be yes.

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 12-]

My 50 Shades of Grey reviews were put on hold because my hard drive decided to commit suicide. I don’t normally like having to spend £85 to replace things. But in this case, I found myself relishing having a great excuse to not read any more of this shit. But alas! The show must go on. So, as promised, here is chapter twelve in all of its abysmal glory.

Chapter twelve finds the boring slag who is the hero of this piece, going for a jog whilst listening to her iPod. Fuck knows how she was able to upload songs to an ipod, given that she has never used a computer before a few hours ago. But hey, did any of the previous chapters make any sense? Did they fuck.
After the jog, Ana e-mails Christian and tells him that she’s dumping him…..for a joke. Hahaha! You’re a fucking comedic genius Ana! Can you imagine what it would be like being friends with this woman? It must be like hanging around with the love child of Buzz Killington and a severely autistic steroid addict. So how does Christian react to this? He of course turns into Batman and just fucking appears behind her exclaiming “I felt that your e-mail warranted a reply in person”. How he managed to surprise her like this is anyone’s guess. Personally, I reckon he was hiding in her laundry basket, sniffing her knickers.
Anyway, knowing that he has just been chucked, Christian Grey does what any normal bloke would do and rapes Ana.

“No,” I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops.
“If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you.
This would be shocking in any other novel, but since we’re averaging at least a molestation per chapter, this is pretty tame. What he does next is even more unfathomably weird. He decides to start gobbing in her mouth. Yes, he spits down her throat and then has the audacity to ask “is this nice?”

Wow, what a total fucking gimboid.

Obviously, Ana being mentally ill and desperate to get sectioned decides that she utterly fucking loves all of the saliva-based fun. The rest of this chapter is filled with more boring dialogue between ‘boring slag’ and ‘nosey bitch’. It isn’t funny and it certainly isn’t entertaining to read. We finish the chapter with Ana crying because she thinks Christian is using sex as a weapon against her.

NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK!

Can Ana possibly get any less endearing or more retarded? Sadly, the answer will almost certainly be yes.

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 13-]

It’s been a while since I wrote any ‘50 Shades of Grey’ reviews and in that time a worryingly large number of people have asked me to keep doing them. Since I have a book-shelf full of good novels, I have repeatedly refused, but I’m getting stressed out with my own work this evening so I thought I’d slag off someone else’s to make me feel better about myself. So here it is; another 50 Shades review.

In the time that I’ve been away from the novel it appears E. L. James has crept into my room and re-written the whole fucking thing. Ana seems to have now acquired a) some fucking common sense and b) a pair of balls. In chapter 13 she sends a sarcastic and almost witty reply to one of Christian’s e-mails, she tells her creepy workmate Paul to fuck off and drives herself to a dinner date with Christian Grey in case she needs to “make a quick escape” in her own car.

By this point in the chapter, I was actually letting myself hope that maybe Christian would try it on and she’d karate chop him in the face, dropkick a waiter and dive through a window firing Uzis behind her before jumping onto a helicopter. Or some other more likely, but no less cool action sequence. Unfortunately, I couldn’t have possibly been further from the truth. What actually happens is Christian Grey tries to make himself sound sophisticated by vomiting out some drivel about the excellent wine cellar and then they talk about the fucking weather. They sound like a couple of old biddies stopping for a chat in Sainsbury’s. It’s mind-numbing.

More disappointment was to come as after Christian orders Ana some food (because what kind of stuck up bitch expects to be allowed to choose her own dinner when she’s on a date), he then proceeds to begin discussions on…..that’s right…..the bloody contract….again. I have read and written contracts that are smaller than the amount of contractual litigation in this book. NONE OF THEM WERE FUCKING ENTERTAINING! What was the author thinking? Did she have a whirlwind romance with Tony Blair and just had to make lawyers seem minge-vibratingly sexy?

I think Christian is beginning to get a little worried that Ana is becoming tired of contract negotiations, because what he does next can only be an attempt to impress her with his brilliant memory and top-notch counting skills. He tells her what he’s just observed her eating. “Three oysters, four bites of cod, and one asparagus stalk, no potatoes, no nuts, no olives….” WELL DONE CHRISTIAN! You’re a real prize catch. Seriously, what the holy fuck is going on in this conversation? It’s like talking to a homeless alcoholic at a bus stop.

Anyway, Christian’s basic toddler-like observational skills must have worked because Ana is so impressed that she decides to reward him with some sexy, suggestive action. Unfortunately for Christian, Ana’s idea of a demure hint is to start sucking off a piece of asparagus. I can’t think of a less sexy word than asparagus, it sounds like a fungal infection. Fortunately, the waiter comes and removes the plate before she can start shoving oysters up her minge.

After dinner, Christian gives Ana a quick lecture about motor safety. I’m honestly not making that up. I am beginning to think Christian is just some boring Geography teacher who has allowed a white lie to get way out of hand.

The chapter ends with Ana crying. She’s probably weeping for the future of English literature.

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 11-]

Those of you who have been following my ’50 Shades of Grey’ reviews may remember that I had a little moan (no pun intended) in the last one about having to read the whole of the rape contract, in its entirety. Well fucking hell! You’ll never guess what chapter 11 contains! That’s right, another sodding contract, and this time it’s about twenty pages long. I can’t help but ask myself what lawyer in the world would draw up this contract. If I went to a solicitor and said, “I’d like an insanely lengthy contract that allows me to”….and I quote from the actual text here….”anally fist” someone, I very much doubt any self-respecting lawyer would indulge me. More importantly, I don’t even bother reading the legally binding contracts that actually apply to me, such as the ones on itunes or any PC game I’ve ever installed. Why the fuck would I want to read one for fun in a book? Was the author injecting LSD into her eyeballs when she wrote this?

I can’t help but think that Ana is getting a bit of a raw deal. Article 13 of her contract states that; “The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason.” As you can see here, she isn’t even getting the basic workers’ union rights that we expect in post-Thatcher Britain. My favourite part of the contract was where it says “No acts involving children or animals”. Apparently this isn’t obvious already and they both need to sign a legally binding contract to stop Christian Grey from bringing a class full of primary-school kids and a herd of mountain goats into the bedroom.

“What comes after this ‘director’s cut’ version of the contract” do I hear you asking? Well of course it’s the only thing that can make this story interesting after such a dip in the action….a fucking questionnaire. Ana fills out what I can only describe as the most mind-bendingly bizarre questionnaire I’ve ever encountered in my life. Allow me to provide you with a sample from it:

Which of the following do you prefer?
– Masturbation
– Fellatio
– Cunnilingus
– Vaginal Intercourse
– Vaginal Fisting
– Anal Intercourse
– Anal Fisting

Quite how the fuck Ana is supposed to know about any of this escapes me, considering she had never even been kissed before a few hours prior to being given this pop-quiz. But never mind, the author clearly didn’t expect any of the readers to ask complex questions about the storyline when they’re busy flicking the bean.

Anyway, Ana goes home and goes to bed. The next morning, she wakes up and Mr Grey has sent her a MacBook Pro in the mail. According to the courier it’s a bit special because “These aren’t available in the shops yet……the very latest from Apple.” Yes, you read that correctly, according to this novel, Apple Mac give away free laptops that aren’t even out yet in the shops, to random students. My big, fat, hairy, Derbyshire arse they do!

Next, the delivery man starts rattling off the specifications of the Macbook (really interesting stuff here) and this is where the novel takes a turn for the better. It suddenly becomes a sci-fi fantasy-thriller with technology that is far beyond our mortal reach. “It’s got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you’ll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM.”

BULLSHIT!

Thirty two gigs of ram it up your arse you fucking twat. I can only assume that the author just looked up the specs of her macbook and multiplied them by eight to make it sound really kick-ass and expensive.

So what does Ana do with the navigational systems from the Starship Enterprise? She has a look on Wikipedia. Obviously, Wikipedia is the most suitable place to do research when you’re considering signing your fistless vagina away for a good rogering. What a stupid idiot.

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapter 10-]

I’m now about a third of the way through 50 Shades of Grey. If this was ‘The Lord of the Rings’ then I’d be in Rivendell right now. I feel a certain kinship with Frodo Baggins. I understand how it feels to have to carry a great burden, every moment it eats away a little bit of your soul, poisoning you, turning you into something evil and dark. Last night I approached a woman in the pub and asked her to sign my terms of service contract so that I could legally groan at her. Her boyfriend called me gay and beat me up. Anyway, as I predicted, I’ve only read one more chapter. This isn’t because I couldn’t hack it or because I got bored. It’s because this chapter was so fucking inanely mental that I literally wrote a bloody essay on it. I have actually had to edit this review because it was well over a thousand words when I finished it.

In chapter ten we learn that Ana is even more of a useless mong than we had previously been lead to believe. That’s a pretty amazing statement when we consider the things that she hasn’t done or cannot do. Let’s recap them shall we? She has never been kissed, shagged, got drunk or held hands. She can’t understand the difference between flattery and rape. She thinks that not liking cheese and wanting to rape people is roughly the same thing. She also doesn’t understand how kitchens work.

So what else can’t she do? Well apparently, she doesn’t know how to use the internet, or even a computer for that matter. “Internet! I don’t have access to a computer”, she explains. SHE IS A FUCKING STUDENT! How is this even possible? I really hate Ana Steele, I wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. I honestly believe that pac-man had a deeper personality than Anastasia Steele. At least he made cool noises and beat up ghosts. God I wish Ana would beat up some ghosts.

“But what about that cliff-hanger at the end of chapter nine?” I hear you shouting. “What happened when Christian’s mum came into the house while Christian and Ana were grinding away?” The answer is…..fuck all. No, I’m not joking, she served no literary purpose whatsoever. She was just there for a page or so and then fucked off. Why is this? Only the extremely deranged and confused mind of this book’s author can answer that. Let’s not bother asking her. After all, we certainly don’t want to encourage her to write any more books.

I can’t help but feel like the author is running out of things for Christian Grey to do because you’ll never guess what he does next……that’s right, he drives his fucking car again. Last time we were in Christian’s car, he was playing ‘Sex on Fire’ by ‘Kings of Leon’ on his stereo. This time he plays ‘I’m on Fire’ by ‘Bruce Springsteen’. Does he have an exclusively fire-based playlist? Is this because his soul burns with a fire that merely needs the love of a good woman to douse it? Or is it because the author has the level of imagination of a corned beef pasty, but unfortunately probably doesn’t taste anywhere near as good?

In the next scene, Christian’s early morning, lonely piano playing begins to make sense. He is indeed a tortured soul, as we find out that an old lady used to strap up and bum him every day for six years when he was a teenager. Once again, I am absolutely not making this up. This book is like the diary of a mad-man. ‘Alice in Wonderland’ was a more realistic work of fiction than this novel. Anyway, even though he wanted her to, this was apparently an act of abuse and totally explains why he’s such a weirdo. The author doesn’t bother explaining why this experience has damaged him so much. I like to imagine it was because he wasn’t entirely satisfied with article 7b in their contracted agreement. It probably stated something along the lines of “The submissive will not be a boring twat”, making it very hard for Christian to comply with his contractual obligations. Christian then explains that being raped by an old lady made it hard for him to do his homework. Again, I am honestly not making this up. The worst thing about being repeatedly raped is that he couldn’t study with relative ease. Absolutely Un-be-fucking-lievable.

Back at Ana’s apartment, everyone’s favourite nosey bitch, Kate, starts asking Ana how big Christian’s willy is. Then, out of the blue, Jose the Mexican rapist phones up and accuses Ana of only being with Christian for the money. Ironically, a cash transfer is one of the few things that isn’t in the contract. I know this because the book actually contains the entire contract in one of the earlier chapters and fucking muggins here actually read the whole thing.

Ana has another conversation with herself before going to bed. I’m starting to think she might be schizophrenic because she keeps referring to things being said by her “inner goddess”. Since she isn’t in a fucking shampoo commercial, I can only assume that she should seek immediate medical attention.

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapters 8-9]

Since so many of my dear Facebook friends have asked me to do another one, here is a summarized version of chapters eight and nine of 50 shades of Grey. Every time I do this, I end up doing one less chapter than last time. At this rate I will only make it through one more chapter. That’s not surprising though since I read these two with a revolver in my mouth.

You’ll be massively surprised to learn that chapter eight begins with……..that’s right…….you guessed it…….Christian Grey’s fucking fingers. He’s running both of his hands through his hair, which apparently means he’s angry. Anyway, he calms down enough to bring up the terms of the service agreement again, which evidently still hasn’t been sorted out. Apparently, Christian Grey thinks that getting his nob out involves roughly the same procedure as assembling a CD rack that he bought from Wilkinson’s, in as much as both of them require some sort of manual. Perhaps this is why Christian Grey is 25 years old and, in his own words, has had at least 15 relationships.

Nothing could possibly have prepared me for the descriptive text the author uses in the following dirty sex scene. The two of them “gasp” over and over again, as though they are a pair of asthmatic old-age-pensioners trying for one more child. My favourite bit is when Grey “empties himself” into Ana. I’m pretty sure that’s the polite euphemism my grandparents used to use for having a shit in a public toilet. However, to this author, it’s a sexy little wink to the reader.

Ana finally falls asleep after jizzing in her nickers 3 times. Later, Christian Grey begins to show his true colours as a tortured soul by playing the piano at 4am and waking the whole fucking street up. When Ana goes to touch him he tells her to fuck off, probably because it wasn’t in the contract. I don’t know that for certain but since this is an erotic romance/courtroom thriller I’m making an educated guess.

In chapter nine, Ana exchanges yet more dialogue with a)herself and b)her annoying twat of a housemate who is still being a nosey cow. She also has a moment of confusion when she can’t figure out how to use the kitchen. Based on the author’s description of Christian Grey’s kitchen, I can only assume that it was a collaborative design project between Salvador Dali and M C Esher. Either that or Ana is too fucking thick to understand how cupboards and refrigerators work. Frankly, after nine chapters of this soul destroying drivel, I don’t give a flying fuck, it’s probably all of the above.

Everything during breakfast is sexy, Grey likes his eggs “thoroughly whisked and beaten” and suggests that they have another shag after they’ve finished, or as he calls it, “basic training”. Again, I am not making this up. For some inexplicable reason, Christian Grey calls sex “basic training”. Frankly I think Grey is being a bit cocky here. Either that or the army is a lot more fun than the adverts make it look.

The chapter ends with Christian’s mum’s voice coming from outside the door. Maybe he’s about to get grounded for having a girl over on a school night. The cliff-hanger here is so intense that I’d rather have a shit in my hands and clap than read on to the next chapter.

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapters 5-7]

I recently wrote a little review of the first four chapters of 50 Shades of Grey. Since then, a fair few people have asked me to carry it on (thanks a lot you twats) so I begrudgingly read another three chapters. I was hoping to do four but I couldn’t be arsed. Here it is then. Chapters 4 – 7 of 50 Shades of Grey…….

We re-join our boring hero when she wakes up in Christian Grey’s bed, having passed out from the previous night’s excesses. Grey has very kindly taken all of her fucking clothes off, as you do when you’re helping a complete stranger into bed. She later finds out that he slept in the bed too but doesn’t think it’s at all odd that some random bloke is stripping her and watching her sleep. At this point, Ana expresses a desire to drink Grey’s sweat and body wash, comparing it to margaritas. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m hanging out of my arse after a night of heavy drinking, I can barely manage a coffee. Sweat and ‘Dove for men’ would make me vomit out all of my internal organs.

Of all of the ways this author describes Grey in the fifth chapter, such as Michael Angelo’s David and James Bond (I know, it’s like the diary of a 12-year-old). The one that made me want to slam my fists into my eyeballs the most was ‘Dark Knight’, which the author uses multiple times to describe this bamboo fingered, dull-mannered twat. Batman would easily kick the shit out of this pussy and would do it without raping anyone! I find myself wishing the Joker would show up screaming “WHY SO SERIOUS?” and give Grey a Chelsea smile.

The novel really heats up from here on in. There are multiple raunchy elevator scenes, the first of which the author masterfully describes as “only just not painful”. From what I read it seemed more like “only just not rape” as Grey slams her against the wall and practically fucking nuts her into submission.

Chapter Six is all about Grey’s uncanny talent for driving every fucking vehicle he can get his hands on. He drives cars, helicopters and as a reader, he drives home the foreboding sense that this novel is getting progressively worse. Being the psychic-rapebot that he is, Grey even uses his clairvoyance to find out where Ana lives and drives her home.

Eventually we get to the first part of this novel that I, as an avid videogames enthusiast, can relate to. What is it? It’s a fucking terms of service contract! I am seriously not making this up. Christian Grey makes Ana Steele sign a fucking contract so that he can rape her in his big house that he flew her to in his impressive helicopter. I’m no expert on the ladies, in fact, I’m really more of a pub-dwelling bloke. But I’ve never met a girl who is turned on by the thought of such things as solicitors, court appearances or excel spread sheets. Perhaps I’m just old fashioned.

The book gets seriously mental from here onwards. Grey gives Ana a bedroom to herself explaining that “I don’t sleep with anyone, except you when you’re stupefied with drink”. Of course, to you and me, this statement alone would have alarm bells ringing with the word “weirdo” and the phrase “fucking run away you stupid bitch!” Fortunately for the plot-line, Ana has the personality and common sense of a McVities Chocolate Digestive and decides to stick around.

Speaking of food, the author compares Chrstian Grey’s raping tendencies to Cheese?!?!? Again, I’m not kidding you. When asked by Ana why he wants to rape her, he replies “why do some people like cheese and other people hate it?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m no doctor, but I’d guess it’s got something to do with the sensitivity of a person’s taste buds. Fortunately, Ana is thick as pig shit and this answer more than satisfies her curiosity.

The seventh chapter ends with Grey getting pissed off at Ana for being a virgin. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he bawls at her. I found myself mouthing out the response “because I’ve spent the entirety of this book’s dialogue sequences spouting inane drivel and thinking about your unusually long fingers.”

B.Burns

50 Shades of Ben Burns [Chapters 1-4]

For any male readers who are curious about ’50 Shades of Grey’ but don’t want to read it because you can’t be bothered or are worried that your mates will call you gay. Fear no evil! For I shall spare you the ball-ache. This post contains spoilers so jog the fuck on if you don’t want me to spoil the story for you.

From what I can garner after roughly 4 chapters. Christian Grey is a rich man with the fingers of E.T or Edward scissor-hands. I know this because Ana, the main character, is constantly fucking noticing them and commenting on how long they are in her inner monologue. I wonder what incredible things he likes to do with them? Perhaps he puts hula-hoops on them and pretends he has lots of salty rings. That’s what I’d do. He also has a bizarre repertoire of smiles, which are constantly mentioned. These include, “oh so secret smiles”, “smiles as though he’s privy to some dark secret” and my personal favourite; “A sphinx-like smile” which he amazingly manages to produce over the phone (WTF?). A cynical man would suggest that this stems from a lack of literary ability on the part of the author, but we all know I’m not that much of a cunt (ha ha fucking ha).

The protagonist, Ana, is a boring twat who has (amongst other things) never been kissed, got drunk or held hands. This is amazing because she’s a student and, as a former student, these are some of the typical activities I indulged in. She also falls over in almost every scene. Maybe she has hearing and balance issues that the author forgot to mention. It wouldn’t be the first bit of unexplained bullshit in this novel. She lives with an annoying bitch called Kate who is a shit journalist and is too ill to conduct her own interviews so she sends Ana to do it for her. This is how she meets Mr Grey.

Incidentally, Mr Grey drives 150 miles to go to the hardware store that Ana works at to buy a rape-kit. I shit you not! He buys cable ties, duct tape and rope and this stupid bint actually decides to hang around with him afterwards.

Ana and Grey fart about with each other for a while, exchanging boring dialogue and generally acting like a pair of tampons in a bag of chips. Eventually, Ana goes out for a drink and some bloke called Jose who, previously was a poorly written Mexican stereotype, decides to get all rapey with Ana. Fortunately, and without any way of knowing where she was, the much more well-prepared rapist, Christian Grey, suddenly shows up to rescue her.

This is as far as I’ve got because I own a gaming PC and two consoles, several guitars and a soul, therefore I am bored.

So far there has been no twat-tingling sexiness. I would feel cheated but since I downloaded a PDF rather than buying the book I’m not too bothered.

B. Burns